MAN MOVIE MONTH

Judge / Dredd: compare / contrast

Judge dredd
"Send in the clones"
"Hack you, asshole"
"Court is adjourned"
These are some of the fantastic dialogue in this schlocky cartoon of a movie. I guess if I were to compare it to another comic book movie I would say it is Adam west's batman. I guess you should watch it if you are a completist but don't go out if your way. 90s special effects and rob "makin copies" Schneider make it kind of difficult to take anything in this movie seriously. Womp womp

Dredd
This is the dark knight to stallone's judge dredd. Your favorite actors and actresses from the wire and game of thrones play some decent parts (as compelling parts in action movies go, generally). Much darker than the original, wide open for a sequel. Also there are some lame lines but I suspect they took them from the comic book. I'm not sure if I like this movie because the effects are newer and more refined but it's a decent story and easy to follow.

Highlander 3: badass edition

Well, I guess there can only be one. So mario van peeples shows up and one thing leads to another, HEY WAIT didn't all this stuff happen in the first movie? Well, what can we learn from it? Good things bear repeating

Avengers: I should have watched the other movies

So hulk, tony downey ghostface jr, Scarlett johansson nudes "search terms", captain America, thor god of thunder and some bow and arrow guy get assembled into a team by Samuel motherfuckin Jackson and a shadowy group of white people on TV screens. There's a bad guy from another place in space or something but what's really important is that ironman drops "PORTLAND" twice in a movie where no other city is even mentioned. Something about a cello player and love. Great. Just to let everyone know, rents in Portland are expensive. But hey, whatever, I don't know the origin stories of bow and arrows guy or Scarlett johansson naked hot and they just sort of show up. So I guess there's movies for the hulk, capt USA, iron man, and Thor, but where are the bow and arrows guy and Scarlett johansson sex tape videos? I guess those weren't greenlit but I'm sure people would like to see those.

What can we learn from the avengers? Great opportunity for SEO for the site. Maybe I should have watched the other movies before watching this one. Galaga is still pretty rad.

Tonight: primer
Tomorrow: highlander 2

Note: this should have posted yesterday but opps

Expendables 2: a lesson in shooting machine guns and throwing knives

The expendables 2: a review
Near-geriatric action stars mow down an army of nameless, faceless villains and everyone knows how to throw a knife right. Lucky charms, classic dialogue, and curated puns make this the post modern action movie every stereotypical masculine person should want to see. There's a few bazookas, knife-kicks, chain whips, and the and all the misogynistic comments that come with a bromance you could want. This is a movie for regular green bottle beer drinking guys. This is a movie for people who only want a maximum of 2 women with speaking lines in the show. The never-ending classic rock score (i can't imagine the licensing fees for all the songs they used) keeps the nostalgic theme, along with all your favorite lines from die hard, terminator, rambo. you know, gutteral yells an whatnot. Bros laughing, clinking bottles, stating obvious things in sarcastic ways: this is entertainment for the TV generation.

Here's a couple photos.

What manliness can be learned from this? I guess respect is important

The Stalker: woah, man

Artist Michael Brophy turned me onto this movie a few months ago when I met him at an art thing. I told him I wrote a blog about manly movies and he said I should watch this thing. Now, a movie called "the stalker" and you're probably thinking "creep" but you're only half right. This is a Russian story about a man who can take people into this "zone" that has been inhabited by aliens and only he can do it because he's a stalker. This is one of those movies where you need to turn down the lights, turn up the music and experience this thing. Wizard of Oz x Psychedelia.

Awesome.

What manliness can you learn from this movie? Use the skill you have to help those you can, haters keep on hating.

Ip Man and Ip Man 2: Propaganda/Wing Chun at it's finest

Ip man is about Master Yip, a Kung Fu teacher in 1930s small town (Foshan) China.  There are many competing Kung Fu houses in this small town and a few thugs come through to challenge the Masters. One thing leads to another and the Japanese invade. Modestly, some of the Kung Fu Masters are challenged by the resident Japanese General and well,

Master Yip humbly requests to fight 10 men. Well, that story goes on, he ends up fighting the General in a public bout ... aaaand we come to

IP MAN 2

based in Hong Kong, Master Yip starts his own kung fu school. Again, lots of houses competing, but in this cliquey little town you need to pay dues and join the business owners association...by fighting each other.

this was a pretty great scene, but only to be overshadowed by another scene where Master Yip takes on a whole wharf of kung fu fighters (and some past rivals as well) fending off foes with wooden pallets, among other things.

The climax of the film comes when the master takes on a totally racist British prize fighter, for the honor of the Chinese warriors. Then Master Yip makes a really touching speech about how Chinese people are modest and that we all need to be accepting of each other. Also, baby Bruce Lee shows up.

Fight choreography: awesome

Protagonist likeability: i want to take this guy out for a cup of coffee and discuss things, maybe share family pictures

Story believability: negative. This man is a super man.

 

What can we learn from this movie? Even though we are all different, we can respect each other. Master Yip is an admirable role model and a global treasure.

Gladiator: Art of the Big Lebowski with Swords

When searching for this movie the search computer was down and I asked one of the employ at my favorite movie store (Movie Madness) and we were both shocked to find that this movie won a big award and was not in the general "Action" section.

Remember that part in the Coen Bros' magnificent relaxed guy/mistaken identity film where the Dude is floating on his back down a bowling lane? The part where the Bob Dylan gospel tune is playing? "LA LA LALA LA LALA" Well, if no then I'll have to review it, but if yes then you might be interested to hear that Academy Award winning Russel Crowe historic action movie knocks it off a couple times

and

I'm sure that this is a well known camera trick and art majors in film studies with graduate degrees can tell me which movie maker was the first to do this. That's just great.

If you're into shows about the times you werent alive and the whole good vs evil/worked vs entitled dynamic then you might like this show. There's some pretty good dismemberment and decapitation in the fight scenes, there's some Romans vs. Germans war scenes and some pretty steamy naked scenes. Not related tho.

What kind of manliness can be learned from this?

1. Work hard, get rewards

2. Watch out for the sneaky dude

3.

The Expendables: How to jump away from an explosion

AAAHHHHH!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

If this movie is my generation's "Magnificent Seven" then we're pretty much set for starting a new round of awesome movies. There were classic rock soundtrack tunes behind shooting bullets and dismembered bodies, rat rod airplanes and motorcycles, throwing knives and explosions; This movie tried hard. Almost all the actors were in prior awesome movies: "Rocky" "Rambo" "Rocky 3" "The Terminator" "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" "The Terminator 2" "Die Hard" "The Punisher" "Idiocracy" "WWF Crap" "UFC MMA Crap" etc etc etc. I guess there was a plot, sort of, but there was lots of awesome blow up scenes, a pretty hot artist love interest, hot rodded out cars, tattoos, explosive tip bullets on really loud guns.

So what can we learn from this film?

JUMP AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSION.

THE DRIVER: DRIVES REAL WELL

Ryan O'neil is the best driver. Bruce Dern plays a cop who can't get the perp. THE DRIVER is awesome.

The movie was shot well, there are more than a few awesome scenes of beautiful cars and car chases.

Also, latent 70s beardism.

What kind of manliness can we learn from this movie? Sometimes a love interest will help you. Sometimes you will make bad decisions. Sometimes the real losers will help you lose. 

COMMANDO AKA DIE HARD:THE PREQUEL, BEST 80s ACTION MOVIE? or BEST 80s ACTION MOVIE EVER?

Ahnold S. is in this one, if you werent familiar, and popular lore says that DIE HARD was supposed to be the sequel to this flick. Wow. Awesome. Prett much goes like this:

Ahnold eats a sandwich:

Someone drives a car through the dealership window, killing/wounding a salesman (classic!):

Ahnold gets some guns and plays with face paint:

I wish I could have taken more photos from this show but blah de blah copyright blah blah you wouldnt download a pizza?

 

What can we learn from this movie? Drive a bulldozer through the surplus store window and you're bound to find a bazooka.